The Shenanigan Filled Adventures of Patches and Hoolihan

The Shenanigan Filled Adventures of Patches and Hoolihan: A Satirical Story of Love, Loss…And Roller Derby.
By Rosie the Riv-hit-her and Run Amuck
This story is pure fiction. Any use of events, names or characters is coincidental in nature.

The year is 2041. What used to be North America is now a desolate and barren wasteland. Area’s that were once lush green forests are now dead and decayed. Lakes and rolling rivers are now dried deserts. Many of the natural resources and animals have vanished. All that is left in this Post-Apocalyptic hellhole are vicious and ruthless derby teams. They don’t give a crap about rules or what is wrong and right. They have turf wars that lead to impromptu bouts. They don’t need homemade shivs or sawed off shot-guns to fight. The only weapons these girls need are their skates and a bad attitude.

Patches and Hooligan scour the deserted towns and cities. They ride side by side on their motorcycles with the land trembling in their wake. They look for FNG’s or Freaking New Girls as they call them. Patches and Hoolihan are much older than these FNG’s, but with age comes wisdom. They have the knowhow and the determination to turn them into the debauchery filled gals they need for their mission. This mission is simple; revive the memory of the beloved Black-n-Bluegrass Roller Girls and take back Florence, Ky. See, Patches and Hoolihan were once roller girls themselves. In 2011, Patches was more commonly known as Rosie the Riv-hit-her, a jacked-up blocker with hits so hard they could move mountains. Hoolihan skated as Run Amuck and was a small, but strong force to be reckoned with. Along with their sisters, they ruled the area known as Northern Kentucky. This reign of terror lasted for many years, until rival teams merged into one power house league and recruited all the roughest, toughest bad ass girls they could get their hands on. BBRG had no new blood to keep their legacy rolling on. However, vets still showed up to practice and bouts. Rosie and Run bouted their little hooker hearts out with their derby sisters. However, one day tragedy struck Rosie. Skaters from rival teams filled with jealousy and greed, paid-off little kids to throw pennies in her lawn. While she was mowing, a penny caught a blade on the mower and struck Rosie the right eye, blinding her for life. This injury ended her career for good. Not long afterwards, Run Amuck lost her trachea; she was punched in the throat while trying to spit in an opponent’s mouth. Odd tragedies and malicious acts of vengeance soon fell on other members of the team. BBRG, crippled and old, soon fell apart. The bigger league was just too powerful and was hell bent on ending BBRG and its skaters for good. Rosie and Run decided to go into hiding for their safety and reluctantly created new aliases, Patches and Hoolihan. What became of their teammates? Patches and Hoolihan never knew.

Time had taken its toll on these two roller girls. Patches, overly cautious of being in direct sunlight, is stark white and sickly looking. Her thin, long silver-blue hair sits low on the nap of her neck. She wears a patch over her right eye; hiding the socket which once held near perfect vision. Her back is slightly hunched from scoliosis. She walks with a slight limp, a result of many knee injuries she acquired on the track. Hoolihan, on the other hand, has tan, raw-hide like skin. Her trachea injury left her with a trachea port which she must use to talk and smoke out of. She carries an oxygen tank to ease the breathing problems from smoking all day long. Her hair is short and takes the shape of a helmet. All the years of over-processing and color has left it strong and impenetrable. Regardless of age and looks, they carry the BBRG pride within them everywhere they go. This is the force that drives them, day and night, in a never ending search for FNG’s.

Their determination leads them to an area somewhere outside of what used to be Taylor Mill, KY. They come to a slow roll on a desolate street, motorcycles humming to a pause. Patches looks at Hoolihan, “Think we’ll have any luck here?” Hoolihan, pressing her finger to her throat buzzes out “There is only one way to find out”. With that, she dismounts from her bike, grabs her oxygen tank, and struts off to the nearest house. As Patches removes her helmet, she catches something out of the corner of her eye. Something is moving with in the shadows of a nearby house. She grumbles to Hoolihan “Something is moving over there…maybe an FNG?” Hoolihan struts closer, squinting in the bright sunlight. She buzzes “Who is there? You better come out before I bust you”. The dark shadow slowly, moves forward, but not fast enough for the Newport raised Hoolihan. “I ain’t got time for this” she buzzes and struts faster towards the unknown. Patches follows but is much slower than Hoolihan. Before she is able to reach Hoolihan, she realizes what’s hiding in the shadows. She gasps and in her gravelly voice yells “Hoolihan no!” But it’s too late; the figure has already come out of the shadow and slowly sprang on top of Hoolihan, knocking her to the ground. Her head hits the ground with a loud thud. Patches stammers under her breathe, “Zombies”.

to be continued…